Today I had occasion to use a stall in the bathroom - for the reason they're provided - not as a shield for my Shy Bladder.
It seemed strangely unfamiliar and I realized that I hadn't been in the stall for weeks. I felt that my relationship with the stall had returned to a pre-Shy Bladder footing at least.
I'm not sure it really means anything but I'm noting it anyway.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Progress Report #12 : Maintenance?
I've had a couple of busy work days and I just didn't have the time or determination to really test myself. If I was on a diet, these would have been the days I succumbed to the donuts.
On the positive side, I didn't retreat back into the stalls and I kept up the water drinking but I decided to use Urinal #1 instead of the center.
End result is that on four of my bathroom trips people came in and used the far urinal a few moments behind me. Suffered no hesitancy and all seemed quite normal but on a focused day that would have been four tests that might have moved me forward.
I need to complete my tests with taking the center stall and only initiating once someone has stood up next to me. Once I've mastered that I'll need to find a more crowded bathroom where I can work on walking up to a crowded urinal.
Maybe this weekend I'll get a chance to test myself in a mall or bar.
On the positive side, I didn't retreat back into the stalls and I kept up the water drinking but I decided to use Urinal #1 instead of the center.
End result is that on four of my bathroom trips people came in and used the far urinal a few moments behind me. Suffered no hesitancy and all seemed quite normal but on a focused day that would have been four tests that might have moved me forward.
I need to complete my tests with taking the center stall and only initiating once someone has stood up next to me. Once I've mastered that I'll need to find a more crowded bathroom where I can work on walking up to a crowded urinal.
Maybe this weekend I'll get a chance to test myself in a mall or bar.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Progress Report #11
I should have a definate plan for today but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe just "maintenance" trying to keep the advances I've made alive. I feel like I've made some big leaps. The one from the stall to the urinal was huge. This lack of focus might prove to be a problem, it could make it easy to slide backwards but I'll see how it goes.
Attempt #1 :I guess I'm just in the habit of testing myself so I'll stick with the "Attempt" moniker. Went to the bathroom with urgency about 8/10. Had been chugging water all morning as normal. Standing there at the center urinal waiting. After 2 minutes I succumbed to weakness and just started to go. Lucky for me a co-worker came in after a few seconds and took the urinal next to me. There was a time when I would have had a surge of anxiety at the door opening. I've been in that situation before and watched my flow shrink to a dribble and stop. Not this time though, everything was normal.
I know my recent successes don't mean I'm cured. It just means I've managed to push my Shy Bladder anxiety beyond the situations I'm currently being challenged with. Will I be able to go at a crowded sports stadium trough?
Attempt #2 :This time I wait at the center urinal. Urgency 9/10. Another guy comes in, I start to pee, he goes to the stall, comes back and takes the urinal next to me. I know him, we chat. All is normal.
Starting to look like I need a new challenge.
Attempt #3 :I'm in the bathroom with an urgency of about 7/10. I take the center urinal. While I'm waiting I decide, on a whim really, to test myself by waiting until the other person comes in and stands next to me before starting my stream. Normally in these situations I'm starting my stream as soon as they come in. So, someone comes in. They stand next to me. Nothing happens. It turns out that it's someone I know, he starts some small talk but I'm still not able to go. I don't have a rush of anxiety but I can't go until he's finished up and flushes. The moment he's not actually standing at my shoulder I'm able to go. Failure. But I have identified a new challenge. Frustrating that my Shy Bladder has so many levels but I am determined to break down every one in turn. Should probably be able to manage this with a higher urgency level.
Attempt #4 :I take up position in the empty bathroom. Center urinal. Urgency 9/10. I wait a few minutes then someone comes in. I get a spike of anxiety and the guy takes the urinal next to me. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go or not, the urgency is overriding my anxiety at least. After a second of hesitancy I start to go, a good, normal flow. I know the guy, he says, cryptically "You enjoy standing there?" English isn't his first language so it's hard to know what to make of the statement, you can't always read things into what he says. I laugh it off, say I had some things to think about. He makes some small talk. We finish up. Maybe he saw me jump when he came in? Anxiety starts to blow this out of proportion : Have people noticed my hanging around in the bathroom? It seems unlikely - it was probably a comment about me standing at the center urinal. Overall a success.
Attempt #5 :Someone is in the bathroom washing their hands. I walk up and use the urinal with no hesitation. Wanted to test myself again with someone standing next to me but the conditions don't always work out that way. Will have to take this up tomorrow.
Further reading :
Read what happens next in Progress Report #12
Attempt #1 :I guess I'm just in the habit of testing myself so I'll stick with the "Attempt" moniker. Went to the bathroom with urgency about 8/10. Had been chugging water all morning as normal. Standing there at the center urinal waiting. After 2 minutes I succumbed to weakness and just started to go. Lucky for me a co-worker came in after a few seconds and took the urinal next to me. There was a time when I would have had a surge of anxiety at the door opening. I've been in that situation before and watched my flow shrink to a dribble and stop. Not this time though, everything was normal.
I know my recent successes don't mean I'm cured. It just means I've managed to push my Shy Bladder anxiety beyond the situations I'm currently being challenged with. Will I be able to go at a crowded sports stadium trough?
Attempt #2 :This time I wait at the center urinal. Urgency 9/10. Another guy comes in, I start to pee, he goes to the stall, comes back and takes the urinal next to me. I know him, we chat. All is normal.
Starting to look like I need a new challenge.
Attempt #3 :I'm in the bathroom with an urgency of about 7/10. I take the center urinal. While I'm waiting I decide, on a whim really, to test myself by waiting until the other person comes in and stands next to me before starting my stream. Normally in these situations I'm starting my stream as soon as they come in. So, someone comes in. They stand next to me. Nothing happens. It turns out that it's someone I know, he starts some small talk but I'm still not able to go. I don't have a rush of anxiety but I can't go until he's finished up and flushes. The moment he's not actually standing at my shoulder I'm able to go. Failure. But I have identified a new challenge. Frustrating that my Shy Bladder has so many levels but I am determined to break down every one in turn. Should probably be able to manage this with a higher urgency level.
Attempt #4 :I take up position in the empty bathroom. Center urinal. Urgency 9/10. I wait a few minutes then someone comes in. I get a spike of anxiety and the guy takes the urinal next to me. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go or not, the urgency is overriding my anxiety at least. After a second of hesitancy I start to go, a good, normal flow. I know the guy, he says, cryptically "You enjoy standing there?" English isn't his first language so it's hard to know what to make of the statement, you can't always read things into what he says. I laugh it off, say I had some things to think about. He makes some small talk. We finish up. Maybe he saw me jump when he came in? Anxiety starts to blow this out of proportion : Have people noticed my hanging around in the bathroom? It seems unlikely - it was probably a comment about me standing at the center urinal. Overall a success.
Attempt #5 :Someone is in the bathroom washing their hands. I walk up and use the urinal with no hesitation. Wanted to test myself again with someone standing next to me but the conditions don't always work out that way. Will have to take this up tomorrow.
Further reading :
Read what happens next in Progress Report #12
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Can you really be cured of Shy Bladder?
This is a question I ask myself from time to time. As my progress shows you can certainly recover from it, taking back your life through Graduated Exposure Therapy and maybe other treatments. Based on my progress so far I expect to be able to make a full recovery some day (maybe soon).
But what form will that recovery take? My observation of the mensroom tells me that everyone suffers from some hesitancy and everyone has some avoidant behavior. Give a guy a choice of a urinal next to someone else and an open stall and a certain percentage will choose that open stall. I've seen this in action over and over.
With Shy Bladder this hesitancy and avoidance behavior spirals out of control. It's not just sometime, it's all the time.
Do sufferers have a pre-disposition to the condition? If so, can you eradicate the underlying cause or are we simply wired that way? If I cure myself through Graduated Exposure Therapy will I stay cured? Or will I inevitably slide back into it and be forced to confront my Shy Bladder time and time again?
People have reported curing themselves of Shy Bladder. But are these rare cases? I don't know, I'm not sure anyone does. I do know that Graduated Exposure Therapy is working for me and if I do slip back I now have a system to defeat it again.
I've had a couple of great days where it was as if I was free from the condition only to slide back again so I know that just because you think it's over doesn't mean it is. I accept the fact that I am going to have to continue to challenge myself and not allow my avoidant behavior an opportunity to come back in.
Even when I'm symptom-free I suspect it will be easy for me to avoid using a public restroom and "wait until I get home" when at the crowded mall. If I never get that kind of thought again, maybe then I can truly call myself cured.
Further reading
Analysis of recovery stories from Shy Bladder Institute Website.
Analysis of Shy Bladder from an Internet-based study carried out in 2004.
But what form will that recovery take? My observation of the mensroom tells me that everyone suffers from some hesitancy and everyone has some avoidant behavior. Give a guy a choice of a urinal next to someone else and an open stall and a certain percentage will choose that open stall. I've seen this in action over and over.
With Shy Bladder this hesitancy and avoidance behavior spirals out of control. It's not just sometime, it's all the time.
Do sufferers have a pre-disposition to the condition? If so, can you eradicate the underlying cause or are we simply wired that way? If I cure myself through Graduated Exposure Therapy will I stay cured? Or will I inevitably slide back into it and be forced to confront my Shy Bladder time and time again?
People have reported curing themselves of Shy Bladder. But are these rare cases? I don't know, I'm not sure anyone does. I do know that Graduated Exposure Therapy is working for me and if I do slip back I now have a system to defeat it again.
I've had a couple of great days where it was as if I was free from the condition only to slide back again so I know that just because you think it's over doesn't mean it is. I accept the fact that I am going to have to continue to challenge myself and not allow my avoidant behavior an opportunity to come back in.
Even when I'm symptom-free I suspect it will be easy for me to avoid using a public restroom and "wait until I get home" when at the crowded mall. If I never get that kind of thought again, maybe then I can truly call myself cured.
Further reading
Analysis of recovery stories from Shy Bladder Institute Website.
Analysis of Shy Bladder from an Internet-based study carried out in 2004.
Progress Report #10 : Keeping up the pressure
In yesterdays post I'd decided to take the center urinal whenever possible and try to desensitizing myself to someone standing next to me. I had mixed but encouraging results. I realized then that I needed to maintain that momentum so I'm sticking with that same plan.
Attempt #1 : Empty bathroom, urgency of 10/10. It was very very tempting to give up to the thoughts running through my mind..
You had a good day yesterday, you made some progress, you can afford to just go now. There's always later for testing yourself...
But I stuck with it. This Graduated Exposure Therapy isn't easy but it is effective. The gain is worth the discomfort.
It was a couple of minutes before someone came in and took the urinal next to me. I was in the center again. I started my flow the moment I heard the door open and didn't experience any anxiety only a relief that I could finally go. As I was finishing up someone else came in and took the other urinal. It was too late to feel anxious then, I'd already finished but probably helped desensitizing me a little. A great start. Lets see if I can keep it up. Success!
Attempt #2 : Urgency came on very suddenly at about 11/10. I attempted to wait at the urinal for someone to come in but I started to get a pain low in my back on the right side. I've felt this a couple of times before. Decided to listen to my body and release the pressure. Hope this isn't going to plague me, suspect it's just a result of drinking 60 oz of water in a few hours. Failure. This didn't move me forward.
Attempt #3: Went to lunch with some colleagues. Afterward was talking to one of them and I needed to go to the bathroom so I started to walk away. It became clear that he was also headed that way. In the past this would have made me very anxious and I would have had to suddenly realize that I needed to be at my desk or to speak to someone else. But I remembered a time before when I was talking to a co-worker at the urinal and I was just able to go quite naturally. So I went along. We walked into the bathroom, took urinals 1 and 3 (2 was empty) and I was able to go with no anxiety or hesitation. It was as if I didn't have a problem at all. Then another co-worker came in and took urinal #2. We all 3 just carried on chatting. Success!
It may sound corny but I feel like I got a slice of my manhood back again. One of the things that Shy Bladder robs you of is the cameraderie of the mensroom. I wish it was that way every time for me. I am getting better. In the last month I've had more success in the bathroom than I've had in 20 years. I'm going to get free of this thing. I know I'm not cured yet, I have to keep on fighting.
Attempt #4:Entered the bathroom. Someone was just drying their hands. Went to the center urinal and urinated just fine. No anxiety about someone in the room. Strictly speaking a failure because I didn't pee while someone else was at the urinal. I guess I was coasting on success #3. Failure. Again, this didn't really move me forward.
Attempt #5:Headed for the bathroom, urgency of 9/10. Saw someone go in ahead of me. Sure enough, they are at Urinal #3. Would be poor etiquette to take Urinal #2 in this circumstance so took Urinal #1. Peed like I'd been doing this regularly for 20 years. Other guy didn't seem to suspect that I'd taken a 20 year hiatus from using the urinals with others around ;). Wasn't shoulder-to-shoulder but Success none the less. No anxiety, utterly routine and mundane.
Attempt #6:It's the end of the work day and I decide to go to the bathroom one last time before heading home. One problem : I have low urgency, maybe only a 6/10. On the way to the bathroom I see someone else going in. I get a surge of anxiety but I decide I have to face it anyway. I get inside the bathroom and they went to a stall. I'm able to go just fine. Not sure how to classify this one. Didn't follow the rules, so a failure but discovered that urgency is a dimension of my Shy Bladder that I will have to work on. I want to be able to urinate at a crowded urinal if I just "need to go" and not be reliant on painful levels of urgency.
Even after an otherwise good day, I discover new depths to my Shy Bladder problems. I am progressing though, just gotta keep on.
Further reading :
Read what happens next in Progress Report #11
Attempt #1 : Empty bathroom, urgency of 10/10. It was very very tempting to give up to the thoughts running through my mind..
You had a good day yesterday, you made some progress, you can afford to just go now. There's always later for testing yourself...
But I stuck with it. This Graduated Exposure Therapy isn't easy but it is effective. The gain is worth the discomfort.
It was a couple of minutes before someone came in and took the urinal next to me. I was in the center again. I started my flow the moment I heard the door open and didn't experience any anxiety only a relief that I could finally go. As I was finishing up someone else came in and took the other urinal. It was too late to feel anxious then, I'd already finished but probably helped desensitizing me a little. A great start. Lets see if I can keep it up. Success!
Attempt #2 : Urgency came on very suddenly at about 11/10. I attempted to wait at the urinal for someone to come in but I started to get a pain low in my back on the right side. I've felt this a couple of times before. Decided to listen to my body and release the pressure. Hope this isn't going to plague me, suspect it's just a result of drinking 60 oz of water in a few hours. Failure. This didn't move me forward.
Attempt #3: Went to lunch with some colleagues. Afterward was talking to one of them and I needed to go to the bathroom so I started to walk away. It became clear that he was also headed that way. In the past this would have made me very anxious and I would have had to suddenly realize that I needed to be at my desk or to speak to someone else. But I remembered a time before when I was talking to a co-worker at the urinal and I was just able to go quite naturally. So I went along. We walked into the bathroom, took urinals 1 and 3 (2 was empty) and I was able to go with no anxiety or hesitation. It was as if I didn't have a problem at all. Then another co-worker came in and took urinal #2. We all 3 just carried on chatting. Success!
It may sound corny but I feel like I got a slice of my manhood back again. One of the things that Shy Bladder robs you of is the cameraderie of the mensroom. I wish it was that way every time for me. I am getting better. In the last month I've had more success in the bathroom than I've had in 20 years. I'm going to get free of this thing. I know I'm not cured yet, I have to keep on fighting.
Attempt #4:Entered the bathroom. Someone was just drying their hands. Went to the center urinal and urinated just fine. No anxiety about someone in the room. Strictly speaking a failure because I didn't pee while someone else was at the urinal. I guess I was coasting on success #3. Failure. Again, this didn't really move me forward.
Attempt #5:Headed for the bathroom, urgency of 9/10. Saw someone go in ahead of me. Sure enough, they are at Urinal #3. Would be poor etiquette to take Urinal #2 in this circumstance so took Urinal #1. Peed like I'd been doing this regularly for 20 years. Other guy didn't seem to suspect that I'd taken a 20 year hiatus from using the urinals with others around ;). Wasn't shoulder-to-shoulder but Success none the less. No anxiety, utterly routine and mundane.
Attempt #6:It's the end of the work day and I decide to go to the bathroom one last time before heading home. One problem : I have low urgency, maybe only a 6/10. On the way to the bathroom I see someone else going in. I get a surge of anxiety but I decide I have to face it anyway. I get inside the bathroom and they went to a stall. I'm able to go just fine. Not sure how to classify this one. Didn't follow the rules, so a failure but discovered that urgency is a dimension of my Shy Bladder that I will have to work on. I want to be able to urinate at a crowded urinal if I just "need to go" and not be reliant on painful levels of urgency.
Even after an otherwise good day, I discover new depths to my Shy Bladder problems. I am progressing though, just gotta keep on.
Further reading :
Read what happens next in Progress Report #11
Monday, February 20, 2006
Progress Report #9 : Mixing things up
Most of the success I have had at the urinals has been when I am waiting for someone else to come in to use the urinal, starting my flow as they enter the room. I seem to be able to do that pretty consistently.
One thing that sets off my avoidance behaviors pretty powerfully is the idea of standing shoulder-to-shoulder with someone else in the urinals. As I found out in progress report #8, if someone is using the center urinal of 3, I just can't bring myself to stand up next to that person.
That happened to me a few times last week and it knocked my confidence and set me back a little. What would happen, I wondered, if I decided to use the center urinal myself? I set myself a new plan :
The idea is to desensitize myself to having someone standing next to me at a urinal. This is a tough test and I'm prepared to fall-back a little if it doesn't work out but I want to try it, I might learn something.
Attempt #1 : Waited at the center urinal with an urgency of about 8/10. Eventually someone comes in. My heart starts beating out of my chest but I manage a thin dribble. I know it's going to stop completely if they come and stand next to me. They don't. Instead they go to a stall to pee. The pressure off, I'm able to finish up just fine. As I go to wash my hands I discover it's one of the guys who last week was himself standing at the center urinal, causing me to use the stall. Natural justice at work. Unfortunately my anxiety has me literally shaking as I leave the bathroom and minutes later I still feel jittery. Success? Failure? A little of both but a very Interesting experiment. I managed to pee some. I'm going to stick with it but go for a much higher level of urgency. I down another 20 oz of water and wait.
Attempt #2 : Took up position in an empty bathroom as before. This time urgency about 9/10. Someone came in and again, felt a rush of adrenaline and anxiety. Again, was able to push out a thin stream and again felt anxious that if they came to stand next to me it would come to a halt. They took a stall and again, I finished up normally. This time I'd say the anxiety was about 80% of the last time. Still feeling that this is worthwhile so I'm going to continue.
Attempt #3 : Took up position as before, this time with an urgency of 10/10. Eventually someone came in the room. I was able to start immediately with a better stream than before. The guy coming in took a stall to pee. For goodness sake, does everyone around here have Shy Bladder! Anxiety was again down, maybe only 70% of that first time so I feel like something is happening. I'm going to stick with it, see how this works out. Maybe someone will be brave enough to take a urinal next to me.
Attempt #4 : Urgency 9/10. When I arrived in the bathroom someone was already at the center urinal. I took a (mental) deep breath and decided to go for it. I stepped up and waited to see if I would be able to go. There was definite hesitancy but within a few seconds I was able to go quite normally. I felt a slight amount of anxiety but nothing like before - much more like my breakthrough day in fact. As before, nothing felt different I just didn't get anxious. Success!
Attempt #5 : Urgency 10/10. The bathroom was empty so I took the center urinal and waited. I stood there for what seemed like eternity but must have only been 5 minutes. Someone came in and I started to go with good flow. They walked up and took the urinal next to me. It certainly didn't hurt that the guy who came up was a lot younger than me, barely into his teens. I didn't feel at all threatened by him.
Then something happened that made me realize where some of my Shy Bladder might have come from in the beginning : my pee began to spray. If you're uncircumcised, as I am, your foreskin can roll-back so that it interferes with the flow and you'll start to get spray - just like putting your hand over the end of a hosepipe. I stopped my flow, re-adjusted and continued just fine but my anxiety leapt markedly.
Could this be the source of some of my problem? I think I am somewhat anxious about this kind of thing happening to me in a urinal. It would be horrifically embarrassing to miss the urinal in a public setting. But the solution is so simple, just pull back my foreskin a little!
Apologies to readers who find this too much information. I'm trying to work through things here and pulling punches won't help me or anyone else.
Summary
Overall I'd say today was a mixed success. I faced down some heavy anxiety early in the day and was once able to step up next to someone else and pee quite normally - perhaps because I'd already gone through more anxious situations? If past experience is anything to go by, tomorrow will be a pivotal day - either frustratingly worse or suddenly better. If I focus and don't let good opportunities pass me by I should be able to increase my chances of another day of good progress.
Further reading :
Read what happened in my next report (#10)
One thing that sets off my avoidance behaviors pretty powerfully is the idea of standing shoulder-to-shoulder with someone else in the urinals. As I found out in progress report #8, if someone is using the center urinal of 3, I just can't bring myself to stand up next to that person.
That happened to me a few times last week and it knocked my confidence and set me back a little. What would happen, I wondered, if I decided to use the center urinal myself? I set myself a new plan :
1. Use the center urinal if you can.
2. If someone is in a stall, leave and come back later.
3. If the bathroom is empty, wait until someone comes in.
The idea is to desensitize myself to having someone standing next to me at a urinal. This is a tough test and I'm prepared to fall-back a little if it doesn't work out but I want to try it, I might learn something.
Attempt #1 : Waited at the center urinal with an urgency of about 8/10. Eventually someone comes in. My heart starts beating out of my chest but I manage a thin dribble. I know it's going to stop completely if they come and stand next to me. They don't. Instead they go to a stall to pee. The pressure off, I'm able to finish up just fine. As I go to wash my hands I discover it's one of the guys who last week was himself standing at the center urinal, causing me to use the stall. Natural justice at work. Unfortunately my anxiety has me literally shaking as I leave the bathroom and minutes later I still feel jittery. Success? Failure? A little of both but a very Interesting experiment. I managed to pee some. I'm going to stick with it but go for a much higher level of urgency. I down another 20 oz of water and wait.
Attempt #2 : Took up position in an empty bathroom as before. This time urgency about 9/10. Someone came in and again, felt a rush of adrenaline and anxiety. Again, was able to push out a thin stream and again felt anxious that if they came to stand next to me it would come to a halt. They took a stall and again, I finished up normally. This time I'd say the anxiety was about 80% of the last time. Still feeling that this is worthwhile so I'm going to continue.
Attempt #3 : Took up position as before, this time with an urgency of 10/10. Eventually someone came in the room. I was able to start immediately with a better stream than before. The guy coming in took a stall to pee. For goodness sake, does everyone around here have Shy Bladder! Anxiety was again down, maybe only 70% of that first time so I feel like something is happening. I'm going to stick with it, see how this works out. Maybe someone will be brave enough to take a urinal next to me.
Attempt #4 : Urgency 9/10. When I arrived in the bathroom someone was already at the center urinal. I took a (mental) deep breath and decided to go for it. I stepped up and waited to see if I would be able to go. There was definite hesitancy but within a few seconds I was able to go quite normally. I felt a slight amount of anxiety but nothing like before - much more like my breakthrough day in fact. As before, nothing felt different I just didn't get anxious. Success!
Attempt #5 : Urgency 10/10. The bathroom was empty so I took the center urinal and waited. I stood there for what seemed like eternity but must have only been 5 minutes. Someone came in and I started to go with good flow. They walked up and took the urinal next to me. It certainly didn't hurt that the guy who came up was a lot younger than me, barely into his teens. I didn't feel at all threatened by him.
Then something happened that made me realize where some of my Shy Bladder might have come from in the beginning : my pee began to spray. If you're uncircumcised, as I am, your foreskin can roll-back so that it interferes with the flow and you'll start to get spray - just like putting your hand over the end of a hosepipe. I stopped my flow, re-adjusted and continued just fine but my anxiety leapt markedly.
Could this be the source of some of my problem? I think I am somewhat anxious about this kind of thing happening to me in a urinal. It would be horrifically embarrassing to miss the urinal in a public setting. But the solution is so simple, just pull back my foreskin a little!
Apologies to readers who find this too much information. I'm trying to work through things here and pulling punches won't help me or anyone else.
Summary
Overall I'd say today was a mixed success. I faced down some heavy anxiety early in the day and was once able to step up next to someone else and pee quite normally - perhaps because I'd already gone through more anxious situations? If past experience is anything to go by, tomorrow will be a pivotal day - either frustratingly worse or suddenly better. If I focus and don't let good opportunities pass me by I should be able to increase my chances of another day of good progress.
Further reading :
Read what happened in my next report (#10)
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Progress Review
It's been a month since I first started on my plan to beat my Shy Bladder.
When I started my plan my usual bathroom habit was to make for an empty stall, preferably one with nobody occupying the one beside. I'd take a sitting position and I would usually be able to urinate. If someone was in the stall beside me I would find it much harder especially if they were particularly quiet because then I'd feel that they were listening to me (and by extension judging me). In those circumstances I'd often try to make noises like I was trying to take a #2 to cover my concern that they were judging me for using the stall just to urinate.
What a tangled web.
The first plan was to get back to standing up, in a stall with the door closed (but not locked). I considered going with a locked door but decided I could do it with just the door closed. I had to aim for the water to make as much noise as possible : "Judge this suckers!"
In the event, I managed that pretty easily. This was exciting, I felt I was taking tiny steps to get my life back. At least I was standing up like a man again!
My second plan involved staying in the stalls but moving to the stall closest to the urinals and leaving the door ajar slightly.
That time didn't go as smoothly, mostly because I didn't stick to my plan and so didn't feel I could graduate to a harder test although I found that I could urinate with the bathroom door left wide open which was more progress than I expected. I spent another week at this stage, not really focused enough on my treatment to move ahead.
Looking back I'm now happy that I kept a diary of my progress because it allows me to see that I had some early success and then plateaud for three weeks, not really progressing but not falling back either. If I see this pattern again I will know that it doesn't mean the end of my progress, it's just a plateau. Perhaps I should have challenged myself more but I wasn't ready to make the leap from the stall to the urinal yet.
It wasn't until Progress Report #5, nearly a month after starting my original plan that I faced the fact that I'd have to move to the urinal to progress.
I made up some new rules to help myself succeed :
That experience ended in near total failure. Moving to the urinals was as difficult as I feared it would be. First I allowed myself to fall back on avoidant habits and run to the safety of the stalls. Next I was only able to push out a tiny stream when someone else was at the urinal.
This was very dissapointing at the time but I learned a few things about myself in those attempts. First, I did manage a small stream which was more than I'd managed in that situation for some years, second other people had hesitancy at the urinal and that it was OK.
I'm glad I stuck with it because the very next day I had my first real success. I was able to walk up to a urinal while someone else was using another and pee. Not a strong performance considering my urgency of 11/10 but progress!
Three days later I had a breakthrough. In one day I seem to go from one weak success to using the urinal at will. I'm asking myself how this happened, am I cured? Of course, I know I'm not, this is just one battle in a war of attrition I'm fighting with this condition but what a day!
It takes exactly 1 week to bring me back down to earth. I have an early failure to perform in a situation I managed before and it knocks my confidence. Then I allow my Avoidant Behaviour to run the show and it drags me down again. It's pretty depressing but I do manage at least one success in the week.
I ask myself, what changed? And I realize that sometimes you're just going to have a good day when you seem to break through but that doesn't mean you can't drop back down again. The important thing is how far down you drop, so long as you're always making progress, however small, you are winning.
My guess is that I'm at the plateau again. I need to keep working at it until that breakthrough day is everyday.
I know I'm winning because already I know that I can go in a stall standing up with the door wide open. I know that I can go at a urinal if I'm the only one in the bathroom - I'm not plagued by anxiety that I won't be able to go if someone comes in because I just spent a week training myself to WAIT until someone comes in before I would go. I also know that I can go at the urinal if others are in the bathroom (even close by) but are not at the urinal.
All the same, I'll be happy when I can stop drinking 100oz of water a day and just use the bathroom at-will like most other people.
Further reading :
Read how things went from here in Progress Report #9.
When I started my plan my usual bathroom habit was to make for an empty stall, preferably one with nobody occupying the one beside. I'd take a sitting position and I would usually be able to urinate. If someone was in the stall beside me I would find it much harder especially if they were particularly quiet because then I'd feel that they were listening to me (and by extension judging me). In those circumstances I'd often try to make noises like I was trying to take a #2 to cover my concern that they were judging me for using the stall just to urinate.
What a tangled web.
The first plan was to get back to standing up, in a stall with the door closed (but not locked). I considered going with a locked door but decided I could do it with just the door closed. I had to aim for the water to make as much noise as possible : "Judge this suckers!"
In the event, I managed that pretty easily. This was exciting, I felt I was taking tiny steps to get my life back. At least I was standing up like a man again!
My second plan involved staying in the stalls but moving to the stall closest to the urinals and leaving the door ajar slightly.
That time didn't go as smoothly, mostly because I didn't stick to my plan and so didn't feel I could graduate to a harder test although I found that I could urinate with the bathroom door left wide open which was more progress than I expected. I spent another week at this stage, not really focused enough on my treatment to move ahead.
Looking back I'm now happy that I kept a diary of my progress because it allows me to see that I had some early success and then plateaud for three weeks, not really progressing but not falling back either. If I see this pattern again I will know that it doesn't mean the end of my progress, it's just a plateau. Perhaps I should have challenged myself more but I wasn't ready to make the leap from the stall to the urinal yet.
It wasn't until Progress Report #5, nearly a month after starting my original plan that I faced the fact that I'd have to move to the urinal to progress.
I made up some new rules to help myself succeed :
1. Use the urinal while someone else is at a urinal.
2. If someone is in a stall and nobody is at the urinal, leave and come back later.
3. If the bathroom is empty, wait at the urinal until someone comes in.
That experience ended in near total failure. Moving to the urinals was as difficult as I feared it would be. First I allowed myself to fall back on avoidant habits and run to the safety of the stalls. Next I was only able to push out a tiny stream when someone else was at the urinal.
This was very dissapointing at the time but I learned a few things about myself in those attempts. First, I did manage a small stream which was more than I'd managed in that situation for some years, second other people had hesitancy at the urinal and that it was OK.
I'm glad I stuck with it because the very next day I had my first real success. I was able to walk up to a urinal while someone else was using another and pee. Not a strong performance considering my urgency of 11/10 but progress!
Three days later I had a breakthrough. In one day I seem to go from one weak success to using the urinal at will. I'm asking myself how this happened, am I cured? Of course, I know I'm not, this is just one battle in a war of attrition I'm fighting with this condition but what a day!
It takes exactly 1 week to bring me back down to earth. I have an early failure to perform in a situation I managed before and it knocks my confidence. Then I allow my Avoidant Behaviour to run the show and it drags me down again. It's pretty depressing but I do manage at least one success in the week.
I ask myself, what changed? And I realize that sometimes you're just going to have a good day when you seem to break through but that doesn't mean you can't drop back down again. The important thing is how far down you drop, so long as you're always making progress, however small, you are winning.
My guess is that I'm at the plateau again. I need to keep working at it until that breakthrough day is everyday.
I know I'm winning because already I know that I can go in a stall standing up with the door wide open. I know that I can go at a urinal if I'm the only one in the bathroom - I'm not plagued by anxiety that I won't be able to go if someone comes in because I just spent a week training myself to WAIT until someone comes in before I would go. I also know that I can go at the urinal if others are in the bathroom (even close by) but are not at the urinal.
All the same, I'll be happy when I can stop drinking 100oz of water a day and just use the bathroom at-will like most other people.
Further reading :
Read how things went from here in Progress Report #9.
Progress Report #8 : 1 Step Back
After a fantastic week in which my Shy Bladder seemed to be fading away I had a fall-back week this week.
Loading up on water and hanging out in public bathrooms while desperate to go is, as I've said before, torture.
In previous posts I tracked each an every attempt to void but this week I just didn't have the focus for it.
A poor start
Monday started badly, I walked into the bathroom with an urgency of about 9/10. Someone was at the urinals already and I walked up confident that my breakthrough last week would carry me through this. I felt confident, then nothing happened until the other guy finished and walked away from the urinal. I was able to go as soon as his back was turned but it blew my confidence.
Things get worse
Then I had a series of situations where I entered the bathroom and someone was already at the urinal. This would have been a perfect opportunity but for the fact that the psychopath had decided to take the center urinal meaning there was nowhere to stand except right next to them. That was more than my Avoidance behavior was ready to undertake. As happened to me before, my Avoidance steered me into the stall where I decided to wait until the coast was clear and try again. Then, my luck, an endless stream of people kept coming into the bathroom and holding conversations. I just gave up and urinated there in the stall (sitting down) feeling like I'd slid back to square one.
Some success at last
But I didn't give up. I managed to get at least one occasion where I was waiting at the urinal in an empty bathroom for someone to come in and use the urinal and when they did I was able to urinate fine (admittedly they didn't come and stand right next to me).
Managed to go in two quiet (but not deserted) large public bathrooms away from my usual test bathroom and didn't feel the usual adrenaline/anxiety rush while approaching or before voiding in that kind of setting.
Summary
So overall, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Consistency is key, just gotta keep pushing on.
Further reading :
Read my one-month review of progress so far.
Loading up on water and hanging out in public bathrooms while desperate to go is, as I've said before, torture.
In previous posts I tracked each an every attempt to void but this week I just didn't have the focus for it.
A poor start
Monday started badly, I walked into the bathroom with an urgency of about 9/10. Someone was at the urinals already and I walked up confident that my breakthrough last week would carry me through this. I felt confident, then nothing happened until the other guy finished and walked away from the urinal. I was able to go as soon as his back was turned but it blew my confidence.
Things get worse
Then I had a series of situations where I entered the bathroom and someone was already at the urinal. This would have been a perfect opportunity but for the fact that the psychopath had decided to take the center urinal meaning there was nowhere to stand except right next to them. That was more than my Avoidance behavior was ready to undertake. As happened to me before, my Avoidance steered me into the stall where I decided to wait until the coast was clear and try again. Then, my luck, an endless stream of people kept coming into the bathroom and holding conversations. I just gave up and urinated there in the stall (sitting down) feeling like I'd slid back to square one.
Some success at last
But I didn't give up. I managed to get at least one occasion where I was waiting at the urinal in an empty bathroom for someone to come in and use the urinal and when they did I was able to urinate fine (admittedly they didn't come and stand right next to me).
Managed to go in two quiet (but not deserted) large public bathrooms away from my usual test bathroom and didn't feel the usual adrenaline/anxiety rush while approaching or before voiding in that kind of setting.
Summary
So overall, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Consistency is key, just gotta keep pushing on.
Further reading :
Read my one-month review of progress so far.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
What is Graduated Exposure Therapy?
From Wikipedia (edited for emphasis) :
Graduated Exposure Therapy for Shy Bladder
Even if you have a chronic case of Shy Bladder you will be able to urinate somewhere under the right conditions. This might be the one "safe" bathroom at home or it might be in an empty public restroom.
Graduated Exposure Therapy means identifying a "next step" to take, a challenge that you might expect to be difficult but which you feel is do-able.
Going it alone
Graduated Exposure Therapy is something that you can do on your own and my experience shows that you can make significant progress this way. However, you do not have to face it alone. Having a so-called pee-buddy help you will significantly speed up your progress. There are also support groups run the International Paruresis Association that can help you work with Graduated Exposure Therapy.
When I started my program I was only able to go while sitting down in a stall. My condition was better than some, I could go if others were in the stalls beside me if they weren't too quiet.
Start from where you are
Like any journey, you have to start where you are. Taking back the parts of your life that Shy Bladder has taken from you might take many small steps. Each might seem inconsequential but each one is a victory.
The first step in my recovery was to try to use a stall away from the urinals, with the door closed but standing up. Standing up! It was a micro-step but you can make great progress with only micro-steps if you're persistent. Currently, I can use the Urinal when someone else is also using the urinal (in the right conditions). I'm not cured yet but I am winning, I am taking back my life!
Next steps
What could you do today to progress?
Please think about one other thing, step zero : If you have a partner, tell them about your condition. Read why I think this is so important.
Further reading :
Read my latest progress on how Graduated Exposure Therapy is working for me.
Read more about Graduated Exposure Therapy at Wikipedia.
Can you really be cured from Shy Bladder?
A highly effective treatment which involves slowly and incrementally increasing a patient's exposure to a feared situation.
Such therapy would typically begin with a low-intensity exposure to feared situation....and gradually derive small steps of increasing intensity until the goal situation can be comfortably faced by the patient...
Graduated Exposure Therapy for Shy Bladder
Even if you have a chronic case of Shy Bladder you will be able to urinate somewhere under the right conditions. This might be the one "safe" bathroom at home or it might be in an empty public restroom.
Graduated Exposure Therapy means identifying a "next step" to take, a challenge that you might expect to be difficult but which you feel is do-able.
Going it alone
Graduated Exposure Therapy is something that you can do on your own and my experience shows that you can make significant progress this way. However, you do not have to face it alone. Having a so-called pee-buddy help you will significantly speed up your progress. There are also support groups run the International Paruresis Association that can help you work with Graduated Exposure Therapy.
When I started my program I was only able to go while sitting down in a stall. My condition was better than some, I could go if others were in the stalls beside me if they weren't too quiet.
Start from where you are
Like any journey, you have to start where you are. Taking back the parts of your life that Shy Bladder has taken from you might take many small steps. Each might seem inconsequential but each one is a victory.
The first step in my recovery was to try to use a stall away from the urinals, with the door closed but standing up. Standing up! It was a micro-step but you can make great progress with only micro-steps if you're persistent. Currently, I can use the Urinal when someone else is also using the urinal (in the right conditions). I'm not cured yet but I am winning, I am taking back my life!
Next steps
What could you do today to progress?
Please think about one other thing, step zero : If you have a partner, tell them about your condition. Read why I think this is so important.
Further reading :
Read my latest progress on how Graduated Exposure Therapy is working for me.
Read more about Graduated Exposure Therapy at Wikipedia.
Can you really be cured from Shy Bladder?
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Beating Shy Bladder
Can't pee with other people around?
Think you're the only one?
If you suffer with Shy Bladder I have some good news :
* It's a medical condition known as "Avoidant Paruresis"
* You're not alone.
* There is a simple cure, it's not easy but it's free and it's painless.
You can read all about it in the book
Further reading :
About this site
If you or someone you know suffers from Shy Bladder I hope this site helps you to reduce the effect of this condition on your life and even to find a cure.
Please, please comment on posts, I want to make this site useful for other sufferers as well as a way to document my own progress.
As for me, I've decided to try Graduated Exposure Therapy myself. Read my plan. Then, if you still haven't had enough, read how I started to retake my life in a review of my progress after the first month.
Think you're the only one?
If you suffer with Shy Bladder I have some good news :
* It's a medical condition known as "Avoidant Paruresis"
* You're not alone.
* There is a simple cure, it's not easy but it's free and it's painless.
You can read all about it in the book
Further reading :
What is Shy Bladder?
What causes Shy Bladder?
How do I know if I or someone else I know has Shy Bladder?
A cure for Shy Bladder
How to plan your own recovery from Shy Bladder
About this site
If you or someone you know suffers from Shy Bladder I hope this site helps you to reduce the effect of this condition on your life and even to find a cure.
Please, please comment on posts, I want to make this site useful for other sufferers as well as a way to document my own progress.
As for me, I've decided to try Graduated Exposure Therapy myself. Read my plan. Then, if you still haven't had enough, read how I started to retake my life in a review of my progress after the first month.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Progress Report #7 : Breakthrough!
Last week I had my first success at the urinal.
Now I'm on a roll, I didn't want to miss any opportunity for further advancement so I started out again with the fluid loading from my original plan. I have progressed since then so to recap the latest plan from progress report #5 :
If you don't want to read the blow-by-blow account, skip to the Post-mortem.
Attempt #1 : This plan is harder than it looks. It took 3 trips to the bathroom to find it empty. Each time there was someone using the stall. I know that I can use a urinal if someone is in the stall (in this bathroom at least) so I had to keep leaving and going back.
By the time I found the bathroom empty and took up position at a urinal my urgency was again 11/10. It was very tempting to relieve the pain but I didn't want to lose any opportunity for success now that things seem to be going well.
After four or five minutes the colleague who I saw in progress report 5 (attempt 2) came in and took the far urinal. I think I initiated my stream the moment I heard the door open but I was able to maintain it with no trouble. He didn't seem to have trouble this time either.
Wow, I did it! SUCCESS!
Attempt #2 : On my first trip to the bathroom I found someone was in the stall so I left. As I was walking back to the bathroom to try again (urgency 9/10 and rising!) I saw someone entering ahead of me. This made me slightly worried since I've been working on the assumption that I'll be waiting for someone to enter the bathroom in order to go and haven't yet tried walking up to a urinal already in use.
Sure enough, he was at the urinal. I decided to stick with the plan, walked up and amazed myself by going without any delay. SUCCESS!
Attempt #3 : I walk into the bathroom, urgency at 9/10. Someone is in the stall so I decide to wash my hands and walk out again. While I'm washing my hands, someone comes into the bathroom and uses the urinal. I decide this is a perfect chance and instead of walking out I step up to the urinal. I void instantly and with normal (meaning "at home") flow. SUCCESS!
Attempt #4 : Had to wait in the bathroom with painful urgency 10/10. Waited until someone came in to use the urinal. Started flow with no problems. Tested myself further by stopping and re-starting my flow. No problem. SUCCESS!
Post-Mortem
This is amazing, am I cured? How did it happen this fast?
The strange thing about each time was that it didn't feel any different to the way it normally does when I approach the urinal. Despite my string of success I didn't approach it with any less doubt, I kind of expected to fail. But I didn't.
For me, this is one of the most difficult things to handle about Shy Bladder : Dealing with the fact that you don't get to choose. Some deeper level of your subconscious is running the show, a will-of-iron to succeed or a fatalistic belief that you will fail doesn't seem to make any difference, your subconscious decides regardless.
But I am winning! It's almost as if my Shy Bladder is fading away. Each success makes me feel more confident that this is the turning point. I had dreaded the jump to the urinal from the stall but it has gone far better than I could have hoped.
I know I'm not free yet. I haven't yet had to deal with a crowded restroom or tried to use the middle urinal of 3 but the grip of this condition is loosening, I am reclaiming my life.
I can't believe I've come so far in the few weeks since I started with my simple plan.
Further reading :
Resd about the next week of my progress.
Now I'm on a roll, I didn't want to miss any opportunity for further advancement so I started out again with the fluid loading from my original plan. I have progressed since then so to recap the latest plan from progress report #5 :
1. Use the urinal while someone else is at a urinal.
2. If someone is in a stall and nobody is at the urinal, leave and come back later.
3. If the bathroom is empty, wait at the urinal until someone comes in.
If you don't want to read the blow-by-blow account, skip to the Post-mortem.
Attempt #1 : This plan is harder than it looks. It took 3 trips to the bathroom to find it empty. Each time there was someone using the stall. I know that I can use a urinal if someone is in the stall (in this bathroom at least) so I had to keep leaving and going back.
By the time I found the bathroom empty and took up position at a urinal my urgency was again 11/10. It was very tempting to relieve the pain but I didn't want to lose any opportunity for success now that things seem to be going well.
After four or five minutes the colleague who I saw in progress report 5 (attempt 2) came in and took the far urinal. I think I initiated my stream the moment I heard the door open but I was able to maintain it with no trouble. He didn't seem to have trouble this time either.
Wow, I did it! SUCCESS!
Attempt #2 : On my first trip to the bathroom I found someone was in the stall so I left. As I was walking back to the bathroom to try again (urgency 9/10 and rising!) I saw someone entering ahead of me. This made me slightly worried since I've been working on the assumption that I'll be waiting for someone to enter the bathroom in order to go and haven't yet tried walking up to a urinal already in use.
Sure enough, he was at the urinal. I decided to stick with the plan, walked up and amazed myself by going without any delay. SUCCESS!
Attempt #3 : I walk into the bathroom, urgency at 9/10. Someone is in the stall so I decide to wash my hands and walk out again. While I'm washing my hands, someone comes into the bathroom and uses the urinal. I decide this is a perfect chance and instead of walking out I step up to the urinal. I void instantly and with normal (meaning "at home") flow. SUCCESS!
Attempt #4 : Had to wait in the bathroom with painful urgency 10/10. Waited until someone came in to use the urinal. Started flow with no problems. Tested myself further by stopping and re-starting my flow. No problem. SUCCESS!
Post-Mortem
This is amazing, am I cured? How did it happen this fast?
The strange thing about each time was that it didn't feel any different to the way it normally does when I approach the urinal. Despite my string of success I didn't approach it with any less doubt, I kind of expected to fail. But I didn't.
For me, this is one of the most difficult things to handle about Shy Bladder : Dealing with the fact that you don't get to choose. Some deeper level of your subconscious is running the show, a will-of-iron to succeed or a fatalistic belief that you will fail doesn't seem to make any difference, your subconscious decides regardless.
But I am winning! It's almost as if my Shy Bladder is fading away. Each success makes me feel more confident that this is the turning point. I had dreaded the jump to the urinal from the stall but it has gone far better than I could have hoped.
I know I'm not free yet. I haven't yet had to deal with a crowded restroom or tried to use the middle urinal of 3 but the grip of this condition is loosening, I am reclaiming my life.
I can't believe I've come so far in the few weeks since I started with my simple plan.
Further reading :
Resd about the next week of my progress.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Progress Report #6 : First Success!
The current plan is to use the urinal when someone else is doing so, waiting around for someone to step up to the urinals if necessary.
Today I had something of a breakthrough. I entered the bathroom with an urgency of about 11/10. It actually hurt to walk. When I got in there a colleague was using one of the urinals. I was able to step up to another and almost instantly pee. True, my flow was not so strong that it risked damaging the porcelain but it was not a trickle either. SUCCESS!
If you don't suffer Shy Bladder it's hard to explain how exciting this is. Put it this way, this is the second time in about 20 years that I've been able to walk up to a urinal and pee while someone else was standing nearby.
Question is whether this worked for similar reasons to the first time or whether I can do it again.
Either way, the graduated exposure therapy and water loading is WORKING. I feel like I am curing myself.
Further reading :
Read what happened next.
Today I had something of a breakthrough. I entered the bathroom with an urgency of about 11/10. It actually hurt to walk. When I got in there a colleague was using one of the urinals. I was able to step up to another and almost instantly pee. True, my flow was not so strong that it risked damaging the porcelain but it was not a trickle either. SUCCESS!
If you don't suffer Shy Bladder it's hard to explain how exciting this is. Put it this way, this is the second time in about 20 years that I've been able to walk up to a urinal and pee while someone else was standing nearby.
Question is whether this worked for similar reasons to the first time or whether I can do it again.
Either way, the graduated exposure therapy and water loading is WORKING. I feel like I am curing myself.
Further reading :
Read what happened next.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Progress Report #5 : Not easy to pee
Up to now I've been testing myself by using the stall, peeing directly into the water to make as much noise as possible and I managed to progress to using the stall nearest the urinals with the door left wide open.
To the uninitiated this may not seem like much but only 6 months ago I couldn't pee in the bathroom at all unless it was in the stall, with the door closed, sitting down. So my plan of graduated exposure is working but I have to keep moving forward or I'll drop back.
I've done as much as I can do in the stall so the time has come to try to move to the urinals. This seems like a leap of a hundred miles, moving from the safety of the stall to the urinals.
A word about the testing ground : There are 3 urinals in a line with dividers. This is good because it means that I can still move up to un-shielded urinals and to open troughs (assuming I can find some) as my self-therapy progresses.
So to the test. As before, I'd load up on water until I feel high urgency (7/10 or more) and enter the bathroom. The rules of this game go like this :
Attempt #1 : Went into bathroom with an urgency of about 8/10. Saw a colleage in there, was gripped by avoidance and so used the stall next to the urinal. Left the door open, had no trouble peeing and carrying on a conversation with the colleage. Failure broke Rule #1.
Attempt #2 : About a 9 on the urgency scale. Went into the bathroom, took the first urinal of 3. Waited for someone to come in to start flow. After a minute or so a colleague did come in and took the furthest stall. Was able to push out a tiny stream but couldn't maintain it and closed down. Dissapointing failure.
Attempt #3 : After standing at the urinal for 5 minutes with nobody showing up urgency got too much and had to pee. Failure.
Attempt #4 : Bathroom stalls occupied, urinals empty. Took a urinal and peed. Failure. Should have followed Rule #2.
Nobody said it would be easy.
Thinking about attempt #2 later I realize that the colleague coming in didn't exactly make a big splash either and in fact flushed the urinal about halfway through (like running the faucet to encourage peeing). I work with this guy and I know he doesn't normally have a problem going so I guess it's normal to sometimes be hesitant and/or not have a great flow.
This has definately been a setback but mostly because I was weak with myself and allowed my ShyBladder to control me. Another name for Shy Bladder is "Avoidant Paruresis" and the Avoidance is a set of habits that you will fall back on if you don't actively fight it. These habits don't actually stop you peeing, but they stop you acting "normally" in the bathroom by steering you into a stall or whatever.
Further reading :
Read about the next stage in my progress.
To the uninitiated this may not seem like much but only 6 months ago I couldn't pee in the bathroom at all unless it was in the stall, with the door closed, sitting down. So my plan of graduated exposure is working but I have to keep moving forward or I'll drop back.
I've done as much as I can do in the stall so the time has come to try to move to the urinals. This seems like a leap of a hundred miles, moving from the safety of the stall to the urinals.
A word about the testing ground : There are 3 urinals in a line with dividers. This is good because it means that I can still move up to un-shielded urinals and to open troughs (assuming I can find some) as my self-therapy progresses.
So to the test. As before, I'd load up on water until I feel high urgency (7/10 or more) and enter the bathroom. The rules of this game go like this :
1. Use the urinal while someone else is at a urinal.
2. If someone is in a stall and nobody is at the urinal, leave and come back later.
3. If the bathroom is empty, wait at the urinal until someone comes in.
Attempt #1 : Went into bathroom with an urgency of about 8/10. Saw a colleage in there, was gripped by avoidance and so used the stall next to the urinal. Left the door open, had no trouble peeing and carrying on a conversation with the colleage. Failure broke Rule #1.
Attempt #2 : About a 9 on the urgency scale. Went into the bathroom, took the first urinal of 3. Waited for someone to come in to start flow. After a minute or so a colleague did come in and took the furthest stall. Was able to push out a tiny stream but couldn't maintain it and closed down. Dissapointing failure.
Attempt #3 : After standing at the urinal for 5 minutes with nobody showing up urgency got too much and had to pee. Failure.
Attempt #4 : Bathroom stalls occupied, urinals empty. Took a urinal and peed. Failure. Should have followed Rule #2.
Nobody said it would be easy.
Thinking about attempt #2 later I realize that the colleague coming in didn't exactly make a big splash either and in fact flushed the urinal about halfway through (like running the faucet to encourage peeing). I work with this guy and I know he doesn't normally have a problem going so I guess it's normal to sometimes be hesitant and/or not have a great flow.
This has definately been a setback but mostly because I was weak with myself and allowed my ShyBladder to control me. Another name for Shy Bladder is "Avoidant Paruresis" and the Avoidance is a set of habits that you will fall back on if you don't actively fight it. These habits don't actually stop you peeing, but they stop you acting "normally" in the bathroom by steering you into a stall or whatever.
Further reading :
Read about the next stage in my progress.
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